Adoption

        Spencer and I have been trying to add to our family for about 7 1/2 years now. We have what they call secondary infertility. We had no problems having Grace but haven't been able to have any more children and there is no medical explanation for it. I remember 3 or 4 years ago sitting in a fast and testimony meeting in my parents small branch in Maine, a sister got up and bore her testimony and said she was thankful for her trials.  At the time I was not in the happiest place and I remember thinking she was crazy!! You see just a few months before I had received a prompting that we should adopt. It was a one of the strongest promptings of the spirit I had ever received. So I went to my husband and told him I think we needed to adopt, his response was “Ok Lets Do It”.  I said, “Really? You don’t want to pray about it first?” To which he replies, “Nope it’s been on my mind lately, lets do it.” So we did what any Mormon couple looking to adopt does, we called up LDS Social Services and found out when they were having their next informational meeting and went. I was really excited this is what we were suppose to do! We got to the meeting and got all the information we needed, and at the end of it I just felt like this is not where our baby is and I was completely deflated. I should note that Spencer felt the same. I still felt like we were suppose to adopt I just knew it wasn't with LDS Social Services. I was frustrated, LDS was certainly the cheapest option! On top of that there was a security with them, we new we could trust them. I was emotionally spent and tired of all of it and I decided I was done, I quit! And I did and I was good at it for the most part. During the week I kept myself busy and just didn’t think about it. But church, church was really really hard for me. I didn’t want to be there I didn’t want to listen to people talk about being thankful for their trails, I didn’t want to listen to the talks on prayer, I didn’t want to see the families that took up a whole row in the chapel, and not the short rows on the side but the long ones in the middle. I felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails and I knew in my heart that this is how it happened this is how people fell away from the church, this is where it starts. I had never pictured myself as someone who would fall away from the gospel but I knew I was on that path so I kept going to church even though it was hard, even though I felt like I was in misery the whole 3 hours, even on the Sunday when my period came again and my heart was broken again and I just wanted to stay in bed, I went. It was summer time and BYU's Education week was coming up and even though I loved Education Week and went almost every year, I really didn't want to go. I figured Education Week would be like church on steroids, I wasn't sure I would survive it. But I decided to go anyway. I remember sitting in a class on setting goals and the teacher said “Money is never a reason not to do something the Lord would have you do.” This was a turning around point for me, money was probably one of my biggest hang ups with adoption. I realized I needed to have more faith and trust in the Lord, so I went home and started researching adoption agency. It was a process, I would find an agency send away for the information, get this big huge packet in the mail sift through it and discover it wasn’t the right agency.  Then I would move on to the next agency and then the next. This went on for about 7 or 8 months I was running out of options! Then Spencer asked me how I would feel about moving to California, I was on board immediately! It was one of the best ideas I had ever heard (sorry Utah friends but it was)!  All of the sudden it made perfect since why I hadn’t found an agency in Utah, we were moving to California, and I was grateful that I wasn’t in the middle of the process having to deal with how the move would impact that. When I found out we were moving it was like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Trying to have a baby was put on the back burner. We knew we were moving in March or April of 2009 but the move itself wasn't until August. Those 5 or 6 months were great! Looking back on it it was like being in the eye of a storm. My burden had been made light I didn't worry or think about trying to have a baby. Once we got to CA I found I no longer wanted to adopt, I no longer felt like it was something we needed to do. The whole experience taught me a lot. I learned Personal revelation does not always lead where you think it might, sometimes it just about being put on a path so you can learn and grow. I learned that I needed to always cling to gospel even when it is hard, especially when it is hard. I learned that if the lord has something he wants you to do he will provide the way even if it seems impossible to you.