Ray Lewis

If I am being totally honest while I knew right away that we were supposed to adopt it wasn't until just recently that I have started to feel excited about it. I don't naturally go searching for new experiences, I'd just assume stick to what I know and I know fertility treatments.  When Spencer and I got home from church a few weeks ago we were sitting on the couch and I was venting my feelings, "I don't want to adopt! I just want to go back to Dr Marrs! Why can't we just do IVF again?! Why do we have to adopt?! I don't want to!" Well you know those experiences when The Lord humbles you or teaches you. Like a few months ago I when was feeling particularly grumpy about the fact that money was really tight. Spencer quit his job last May and has started his own company which of course means I have to be frugal. I was reading in The Book of Mormon I am not sure where and The Lord is basically telling the Nephites to stop focusing on riches and start focusing on The Gospel. Needless to say I recognized that I needed to change my attitude. I have had many experiences like this and I have come to expect them when reading my scriptures or attending church or relief society. This Sunday however it came from an unusual source. The TV was on and The Raven had just defeated the Colts, the sportscaster was interviewing Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens. I had literally just finished my little rant and Ray Lewis says, "It's all about God's timing it is all about His will."

Adoption Revisited

When I received the inspiration that we needed to adopt back in 2008 it was probably one of the strongest impressions of the spirit I had ever received but it never resulted in an adoption. I always figured it was just one of those things where its about the journey and not necessarily the destination. Sometimes The Lord puts us on a path because there are lessons we need to learn, it doesn't always lead where we think it might. This is how I always viewed our time spent looking into adoption, it was a detour path we needed to take because there were lessons that we needed to learn. It never occurred to me that the infertility treatments was the actual detour path, though it seams so obvious now. When we were driving back from the doctors, having just learned that we had lost the baby, my mind kept going over the words of a blessing that Spencer had given me just before doing the IVF procedure last August. In that blessing he had said "I bless you that the procedure will work and that it will result in a healthy baby." Really!? I could feel my walls going up I knew I needed to turn to The Lord, to find strength and peace and understanding in him but I did not want to. When we got home Spencer asked me if he could give me a blessing, as he began I could feel my walls begin to tumble. He told me as I kept my heart open I would receive understanding. As he said those words I received that understanding, I knew adoption was what we were suppose to do. Adoption answered the blessing from before, the procedure did take and we will have a baby at the end of it it just not in  the way we had thought.

Mathew 11:28-30

Honestly I do not know why I started this blog, my sisters telling me I should, a moment of weakness, I don't know. Having people read what I write kinda freaks me out, it is one of the reasons I have never been a consistent journal keeper. But I figured I had all ready done the part of writing and all I had to do is share it in a few post and really who was going to read it anyway. Then I could move on to posting pictures of Grace and telling about the silly things she does. It never occurred to me I would have more to write on my infertility journey. So here is what I thought would be my last post concerning trying to have a baby.

The first time we did IVF I was really confident that it would work. I didn’t even create room in my mind for the possibility of a miscarriage. Even when my beta levels were low and I got a cautiously optimistic positive on my pregnancy test. I thought it has been 6 years of no pregnancy I am not going to miscarry, that is not Heavenly Father’s plan for me. (how often we think we know what our father's plan is for us, you'd think we'd learn) I was 5 weeks pregnant and Spencer feeling bad for sandwiching a ski trip with his buddy in between two business trips had bought me and Grace tickets to go to Utah for the weekend. I am on my way out the door to go pick up Grace from school and head to the airport when I get a call from my doctors office. My numbers have dropped the pregnancy is not going to stick, I should expect to miscarry within the next several days.  The timing could not be worse. I toyed with the idea of not going but I knew Grace would be really disappointed if we didn't, she is always so excited to go to Utah and see her cousins. I somehow made it through the flight. I kicked myself for telling my  sister that I would stay with her, I just wanted to go to a hotel but I couldn’t figure out how to get out of it without hurting her feelings. I somehow made it through the evening and finally was able to go to bed. I am lying in bed just bawling, my lips are chapped I am really thirsty and I have no tissues.I am a mess. I am way beyond the ugly cry I am like Medusa turn people to stone ugly cry. I just want to sleep but sleep will not find me. My 16 year old niece is in the room next to me listening to Techno music. Loudly! I really really don’t like techno music. And she is not listening to a variety of songs, no, she is listening to the same song with the same lyrics repeated over and over, “I like the base up high and the beat down low”. These are the only lyrics in that song and she listens to it over and over, for at least 30 minutes probably closer to an hour. And I lay there sobbing thinking “Why, why, why can’t I be in my own bed? Why can't Spencer not be with me? Why do I have to be alone? Why do I have to be alone? And the thought comes to me “You are not alone, you are never alone I am here” and there was the lesson I needed to learn.

When I was at education week this year I was trying to decide between two classes and felt like I needed to go to the one on parenting. I didn’t know why because honestly I’m a brilliant parent but I went. The class actually turned out to be kinda a dud. But I written down the name of a book the author suggested, so I thought I better read it. It was “All but my life” by Gerda Weissmann Klein. It was her holocaust survival story. Let me tell you if you are ever feeling sorry for your lot in life nothing will cure it faster then reading an account of a holocaust survivor. As I read her story of her life during World War II from being afraid to leave her home, her father never being able to answer the door because if it was the Germans they would take him away. To the last time she saw her brother when he was forced to leave to go to a work camp, to being forced out of there home into the basement and not being aloud out in their own garden to eventually being moved out the basement to the ghetto and from there to the concentration camps. The last time she saw her mother. The last time she saw her father. Until the end when she was on a 250 mile death march across Czechoslovakia and she had made it to liberation day weighing all of 68lbs. The thought came to me, Christ suffered all of that. I think we say all the time that Christ suffered and died for us but how often do we really think what that means. And then to expanded it out from there, he suffered for her whole family for everyone that was with her in the concentration camps and everyone that was with her on that death march, for all the Jews who suffered so much during that war. For the 6 million that were murdered. And not just the victims but he also suffered for the perpetrators. That is a lot of suffering and that is just a small part of the world during a short time in history. I imagine how he must feel when we do not turn to him, when we do not cast our burdens at his feet and instead we turn to other ways to try to heal what is in us. I think it must break his heart. 

Mathew 11:28-30
 28 ¶Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Tender Mercies

When I started writing about my infertility journey on this blog I was 5 weeks pregnant. We had gone in to do the IVF procedure the Monday before I gave my lesson in church and got a positive test result the Friday after my lesson. This morning I went in for my 20 week ultrasound and received the devastating news that we had lost our baby. It looks like the heart stopped beating somewhere around 16 weeks. We do not know why, we may not ever now why. I do not think it is a coincidence that the topic I have been planning on writing about next is the tender mercies of The Lord. Elder Bednar gave a great talk entitled "The Tender Mercie's of the Lord" in it he says, "The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ." I have received many tender mercies over the years. The first being an amazing husband who one Sunday when Grace was about 3 years old came home with a magazine for BYU Education Week. He tossed it at me and told me I needed to go. I was not very familiar with Ed Week, I looked it over and told him he was crazy! What did he suggest we do with our 3 year old daughter?! To which he calmly responded, "I don't know but you need to go. We can find someone to watch her if not I will take off work." I have found over the years that Education week can give lots of great ideas but there is usually just that one golden nugget that you really needed to hear." That year it came when I was sitting in a lecture given my Merrilee Boyack called "The 3 C Comparing, Conforming, &compromising" It was the comparing topic that was for me in it she quoted Ezra Taft Benson's thoughts on pride, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. . . . It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” Then she said the thing that stuck with me, "It is still pride even when you put yourself at the bottom of the comparison." From then on I have made an effort not to compare myself or my situation to those around me. This has been an amazing blessing in my life. At the time we had just started to try and have another baby, it had not  occurred to me that it would be a challenge. I am so thankful for this lesson the lord taught me, not to compare. Just because I have not been able to have more children does not mean those around me are not meant to add to there families. As more and more babies have been born into my family (3 sets of twins included) I have been blessed to be able to participate in there joy and enjoy a relationship with my nieces and nephews. I am not saying I never had any jealousy but with each new pregnancy I was able to step back and recognize I would not trade my family for theirs. I love my husband. I love my daughter. I would not trade them or the life we have for anything. And there is no peace to be found in comparing my situation to those around me. Peace is found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ

 Another tender mercy I want to share with you came in September of 2011 it was the first day of school, I had just been called into the Primary Presidency at church and my first meeting with them was scheduled that evening. I was 7 weeks pregnant and had gotten my blood drawn again to check how my hormone levels were progressing. So far they had been going up but had never been has high as they would like. When I received the call the nurse told me my levels had dropped. I could discontinue my meds and that I would miscarry within the next few day. I could feel my walls starting to go up I knew I needed to turn to the lord, to find the lesson but I did not want to. The first tender mercy that day came in a text message asking me to share a spiritual thought at our presidency meeting. At the time I have to admit I did not see it as a tender mercy but it forced me to focus on the Gospel. I was really stressed out about going to this meeting I did not know these women very well and did not want to share what I was going through. I was afraid that they would be able to see something was wrong. The lord blessed me with another tender mercy. That day like I said was the first day of school, on top of that it was an unusually hot day for Southern California with temps up around 100, when I got to the meeting I discovered every one was exhausted and spent from the days events. I did not stick out.

Today has also been full of tender mercies. This is a busy time of year but people have taken the time out of there day to send me a quick message of love and prayers, to drop off gift baskets, food, flowers, bath salts. I have been amazed by the outpouring of love and support. I am so thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I do not know how I would navigate my life without it.

One of my favorite scriptures is found in
D&C 121:7-8
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

Here is another that a friend shared with me today,
 Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in The Lord with all thine heart. Lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."

Patience

I tend to procrastinate, especially things I don't like doing. Writing is one of those things and writing about patience is definitely one of those things! I have no great insight on patience, it is something I have to work on everyday and I find while I master it one area I have none of it in another. It is something that has to be worked on everyday, I am never done trying to be patient. President Uchtdorf gave an amazing talk on Patience in the April 2010 Priesthood session of General Conference entitled "Continue in Patience"

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng&query=continue+patience

Really I have nothing of value to add to that but I will share one experience. A few years back I received a blessing from my Father in Law. We were just begining Fertility treatments with a doctor in LA. He had told us we were an easy case, 3-6 months we should be pregnant. No problem. In this blessing I was told that Heavenly Father desired for me to have more children, that there was a path for me to have more children and to be PATIENT. It was a great blessing and I felt peace after it but also a tinge of frustration at that word patient, I knew this wasn't going to be as easy as the doctor said. That very next day I recieved my first test in patience when I received a call from my doctor's office with results from some blood work that they had done. My HIV test came back inconclusive! HA Seriously!? Seriously!! I was a have to admit I was a little amused as I found myself telling my doctor who was trying to reasure me that it was probably nothing this happens sometimes that I was in fact not concerned at ALL but a little frustrated that I had to wait 6-8 weeks before they would test me again. (FYI my test did come back negative:) This was the first of many set backs that has tried my patience over the last few years. Between cyst's and my body not responding the right way to the hormones, just being on hormones,  (That was a good test for my husbands patience as well!) Or being out of town or my doctor being out of town. Or what was supposed to be an outpatient laperscopic surgery to have my fibroids removed turning into a nice c-section incission and 3-4 days in the hospital. Not to mention my personal favorite,  sitting in the famous LA traffic on my way up to my doctors office! 3 Hours! That was the longest it ever took me! But I know it is all a part of the lord's plan for me, his timing is perfect. As we trust in him we can have peace in the middle of whatever trial we are going through.

Adoption

        Spencer and I have been trying to add to our family for about 7 1/2 years now. We have what they call secondary infertility. We had no problems having Grace but haven't been able to have any more children and there is no medical explanation for it. I remember 3 or 4 years ago sitting in a fast and testimony meeting in my parents small branch in Maine, a sister got up and bore her testimony and said she was thankful for her trials.  At the time I was not in the happiest place and I remember thinking she was crazy!! You see just a few months before I had received a prompting that we should adopt. It was a one of the strongest promptings of the spirit I had ever received. So I went to my husband and told him I think we needed to adopt, his response was “Ok Lets Do It”.  I said, “Really? You don’t want to pray about it first?” To which he replies, “Nope it’s been on my mind lately, lets do it.” So we did what any Mormon couple looking to adopt does, we called up LDS Social Services and found out when they were having their next informational meeting and went. I was really excited this is what we were suppose to do! We got to the meeting and got all the information we needed, and at the end of it I just felt like this is not where our baby is and I was completely deflated. I should note that Spencer felt the same. I still felt like we were suppose to adopt I just knew it wasn't with LDS Social Services. I was frustrated, LDS was certainly the cheapest option! On top of that there was a security with them, we new we could trust them. I was emotionally spent and tired of all of it and I decided I was done, I quit! And I did and I was good at it for the most part. During the week I kept myself busy and just didn’t think about it. But church, church was really really hard for me. I didn’t want to be there I didn’t want to listen to people talk about being thankful for their trails, I didn’t want to listen to the talks on prayer, I didn’t want to see the families that took up a whole row in the chapel, and not the short rows on the side but the long ones in the middle. I felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails and I knew in my heart that this is how it happened this is how people fell away from the church, this is where it starts. I had never pictured myself as someone who would fall away from the gospel but I knew I was on that path so I kept going to church even though it was hard, even though I felt like I was in misery the whole 3 hours, even on the Sunday when my period came again and my heart was broken again and I just wanted to stay in bed, I went. It was summer time and BYU's Education week was coming up and even though I loved Education Week and went almost every year, I really didn't want to go. I figured Education Week would be like church on steroids, I wasn't sure I would survive it. But I decided to go anyway. I remember sitting in a class on setting goals and the teacher said “Money is never a reason not to do something the Lord would have you do.” This was a turning around point for me, money was probably one of my biggest hang ups with adoption. I realized I needed to have more faith and trust in the Lord, so I went home and started researching adoption agency. It was a process, I would find an agency send away for the information, get this big huge packet in the mail sift through it and discover it wasn’t the right agency.  Then I would move on to the next agency and then the next. This went on for about 7 or 8 months I was running out of options! Then Spencer asked me how I would feel about moving to California, I was on board immediately! It was one of the best ideas I had ever heard (sorry Utah friends but it was)!  All of the sudden it made perfect since why I hadn’t found an agency in Utah, we were moving to California, and I was grateful that I wasn’t in the middle of the process having to deal with how the move would impact that. When I found out we were moving it was like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Trying to have a baby was put on the back burner. We knew we were moving in March or April of 2009 but the move itself wasn't until August. Those 5 or 6 months were great! Looking back on it it was like being in the eye of a storm. My burden had been made light I didn't worry or think about trying to have a baby. Once we got to CA I found I no longer wanted to adopt, I no longer felt like it was something we needed to do. The whole experience taught me a lot. I learned Personal revelation does not always lead where you think it might, sometimes it just about being put on a path so you can learn and grow. I learned that I needed to always cling to gospel even when it is hard, especially when it is hard. I learned that if the lord has something he wants you to do he will provide the way even if it seems impossible to you.

 When I was 13 or 14 I met Tasha Morang. I can still remember what she was wearing, french rolled green jeans and cream cropped top. My husband who is two years older then me, laughs at me about the french rolled jeans because he says he was french rolling his jeans in the second grade. But when you live in Maine fashion arrives a little late if at all. Tasha and I  became friends very quickly and spent most of our time together listening to music, talking about boys and watching Dirty Dancing over and over and over. She was not a member of the church when we first met but soon joined, however she always struggled to get a firm grip in the gospel. She came from a difficult family life with an alcoholic dad who had left when she was only four. By the time we were 18 we had started to drift apart, our lives were headed in separate directions. Though I always loved her and prayed and  thought of her often. A few years later when I was 20 and had been married for a little over a year I received an impression that I needed to call my friend and see how she was doing. Now I put it off, she was on the east coast it was late, I didn’t have her number on hand. The next day I got the same impression and again I put it off, now is not a good time I will do it later. Then the weekend came I got busy and I put the thought out of my mind. Then I got a phone call early on a Monday morning from my father, Tasha had died in a Jet Ski accident the day before. Why oh why had I not picked up that phone?! Why had I ignored the prompting of the spirit?! It took me long time to come to grips with this experience. I think Heavenly Father new that I am not good at going outside of my comfort zone (on top of which my comfort zone is about the size of my pinkie) so he gave me a hard but valuable lesson. ALWAYS ALWAYS follow the promptings of the spirit. So fast forward a 11 years down the road to present time and I am sitting in a class at Education Week when the teacher says that she had gone to her Relief Society President and told her she would be willing to teach. I thought Ha! I would never do that!! Ever! I think that Heavenly Father must have had a bit of a chuckle because the very next morning I had the thought come to me “You need to call Linda(my Relief Society President) and let her know you would be willing to share your experience with Infertility if she thinks it would be helpful to the sisters in the ward.” I have to be honest with you I was really hoping this would turn out to be one of those experiences like when Abraham was asked to sacrifice Isaac. That Heavenly Father just wanted to see that I was willing to do what he asked. However it did not turn out that way, and on September 2nd I shared my journey with infertility in Relief Society. It was my first time teaching where I wasn’t expected to bring crayons and gold fish. I was nervous to say the least. That Sunday was one of the longest Sunday's ever. We didn't have church until 1pm so of course I was up and ready to go by 7am. Then I spent the rest of the morning staring at the clock until 12:45 finally rolled around and we could leave. Then I sat through 2 hours of meetings until it was finally time to give my lesson. It went surprisingly well, I was really expecting that my emotions would get the better of me and I would just be sobbing and talking in my high squeaky voice with my face contorted into all kinds of the ugly cry. However I think I was able to keep it together relatively well and the ugly cry only made a few appearances. When I was preparing my lesson I  wrote the whole thing out to help me figure out what order I wanted to share my story's and how to transition from one experience to another. My husband suggested that I put it on a blog, so here we are in the hopes that maybe someone out there can gain something from my experiences. Just so you know it is quite long and I plan to post a page or so at a time so I do not overwhelm anyone with it.