Tender Mercies

When I started writing about my infertility journey on this blog I was 5 weeks pregnant. We had gone in to do the IVF procedure the Monday before I gave my lesson in church and got a positive test result the Friday after my lesson. This morning I went in for my 20 week ultrasound and received the devastating news that we had lost our baby. It looks like the heart stopped beating somewhere around 16 weeks. We do not know why, we may not ever now why. I do not think it is a coincidence that the topic I have been planning on writing about next is the tender mercies of The Lord. Elder Bednar gave a great talk entitled "The Tender Mercie's of the Lord" in it he says, "The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ." I have received many tender mercies over the years. The first being an amazing husband who one Sunday when Grace was about 3 years old came home with a magazine for BYU Education Week. He tossed it at me and told me I needed to go. I was not very familiar with Ed Week, I looked it over and told him he was crazy! What did he suggest we do with our 3 year old daughter?! To which he calmly responded, "I don't know but you need to go. We can find someone to watch her if not I will take off work." I have found over the years that Education week can give lots of great ideas but there is usually just that one golden nugget that you really needed to hear." That year it came when I was sitting in a lecture given my Merrilee Boyack called "The 3 C Comparing, Conforming, &compromising" It was the comparing topic that was for me in it she quoted Ezra Taft Benson's thoughts on pride, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. . . . It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” Then she said the thing that stuck with me, "It is still pride even when you put yourself at the bottom of the comparison." From then on I have made an effort not to compare myself or my situation to those around me. This has been an amazing blessing in my life. At the time we had just started to try and have another baby, it had not  occurred to me that it would be a challenge. I am so thankful for this lesson the lord taught me, not to compare. Just because I have not been able to have more children does not mean those around me are not meant to add to there families. As more and more babies have been born into my family (3 sets of twins included) I have been blessed to be able to participate in there joy and enjoy a relationship with my nieces and nephews. I am not saying I never had any jealousy but with each new pregnancy I was able to step back and recognize I would not trade my family for theirs. I love my husband. I love my daughter. I would not trade them or the life we have for anything. And there is no peace to be found in comparing my situation to those around me. Peace is found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ

 Another tender mercy I want to share with you came in September of 2011 it was the first day of school, I had just been called into the Primary Presidency at church and my first meeting with them was scheduled that evening. I was 7 weeks pregnant and had gotten my blood drawn again to check how my hormone levels were progressing. So far they had been going up but had never been has high as they would like. When I received the call the nurse told me my levels had dropped. I could discontinue my meds and that I would miscarry within the next few day. I could feel my walls starting to go up I knew I needed to turn to the lord, to find the lesson but I did not want to. The first tender mercy that day came in a text message asking me to share a spiritual thought at our presidency meeting. At the time I have to admit I did not see it as a tender mercy but it forced me to focus on the Gospel. I was really stressed out about going to this meeting I did not know these women very well and did not want to share what I was going through. I was afraid that they would be able to see something was wrong. The lord blessed me with another tender mercy. That day like I said was the first day of school, on top of that it was an unusually hot day for Southern California with temps up around 100, when I got to the meeting I discovered every one was exhausted and spent from the days events. I did not stick out.

Today has also been full of tender mercies. This is a busy time of year but people have taken the time out of there day to send me a quick message of love and prayers, to drop off gift baskets, food, flowers, bath salts. I have been amazed by the outpouring of love and support. I am so thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I do not know how I would navigate my life without it.

One of my favorite scriptures is found in
D&C 121:7-8
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

Here is another that a friend shared with me today,
 Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in The Lord with all thine heart. Lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."

Patience

I tend to procrastinate, especially things I don't like doing. Writing is one of those things and writing about patience is definitely one of those things! I have no great insight on patience, it is something I have to work on everyday and I find while I master it one area I have none of it in another. It is something that has to be worked on everyday, I am never done trying to be patient. President Uchtdorf gave an amazing talk on Patience in the April 2010 Priesthood session of General Conference entitled "Continue in Patience"

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng&query=continue+patience

Really I have nothing of value to add to that but I will share one experience. A few years back I received a blessing from my Father in Law. We were just begining Fertility treatments with a doctor in LA. He had told us we were an easy case, 3-6 months we should be pregnant. No problem. In this blessing I was told that Heavenly Father desired for me to have more children, that there was a path for me to have more children and to be PATIENT. It was a great blessing and I felt peace after it but also a tinge of frustration at that word patient, I knew this wasn't going to be as easy as the doctor said. That very next day I recieved my first test in patience when I received a call from my doctor's office with results from some blood work that they had done. My HIV test came back inconclusive! HA Seriously!? Seriously!! I was a have to admit I was a little amused as I found myself telling my doctor who was trying to reasure me that it was probably nothing this happens sometimes that I was in fact not concerned at ALL but a little frustrated that I had to wait 6-8 weeks before they would test me again. (FYI my test did come back negative:) This was the first of many set backs that has tried my patience over the last few years. Between cyst's and my body not responding the right way to the hormones, just being on hormones,  (That was a good test for my husbands patience as well!) Or being out of town or my doctor being out of town. Or what was supposed to be an outpatient laperscopic surgery to have my fibroids removed turning into a nice c-section incission and 3-4 days in the hospital. Not to mention my personal favorite,  sitting in the famous LA traffic on my way up to my doctors office! 3 Hours! That was the longest it ever took me! But I know it is all a part of the lord's plan for me, his timing is perfect. As we trust in him we can have peace in the middle of whatever trial we are going through.